Living for the day is what most of us do to get by. I am no longer living in that state. My vision for my future is clear and focused and cannot be stopped. There maybe some obstacles but that's just Ra's way to create another learning opportunity. I realized how much I lived for the day until I moved.
The breaking point for me was I listening to Michael Baisden show and there was a man on there giving his philosophy on "The Secret". (I was driving down Mockingbird Lane in Highland Park. I was admiring all of the homes and I thought Bush lives here...hell to the no) I digress... I am always open to listen to how people incorporate their secret into their lives. He made a great point that forever changed how I think about everyone and everything. He said "If you have 9 broke friends, you will be the 10th". I laughed for about five minutes, but I stopped and said "you know he's right".
This began a 6 month checking in with my self, my spirit. I believe in ancestral power and I know they send me signs all the time BUT if I am not open to listen I won't get the message. I know now that my ancestors work in my favor at all times. Why wouldn't your grandma want what is best you..she did when she was alive. The feeling that is connected to my ancestors is how you should feel about your power. Protection, warmth, love is what I am working with.
My ancestors sent me my new love, my child, everyone that loves me and is there to empower me. Recently I reconnected with an old friend with new aspect on her life. My ancestors sent me her because I didn't need any more emotionally, financially, spiritually broke people. She made me realize what kind of person I used to be. Everything I was in past was great but there is a reason I abandoned it. I was mean and negative. Now there I said it, I am not happy when others say it to me, but I can deal with what I put out. At this point I must learn to balance my aggressiveness with a sweet disposition. I have always been an Alpha female as long as I can remember existing. I take the world by the horns and I used to have no regrets. During this reinvention of myself, I must remember my focus and attack my destiny with the fervor of a 25 year old Zenobia with NO regrets. Redirect that energy into my career, my love, my destiny, no matter what.
I am glad to be blog about this part of my life because I hope that someone can benefit from my life experience. This is also keeping record of my transition and 1 year later I want to look back at this and say "damn you did good woman". Most of the blog is for you the reader but this also for myself to explain what I am feeling and how I worked thru my own personal shit.
I am taking a hiatus from people right now. I know that I need this time to heal and lick my wounds of this bird. As I make my grand entrance to the front of line of life...I only want applause no pity, only well wishers, no haters. What I think about my life today is what I will live tomorrow.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
Transition
Well you know life is all about moving and transitioning. You know we speak about change but when, where, how do we implement it? The truth is I don't have that answer, however I will try to explain how a transition feels to me.
I have been dealing with moving on(in my marriage) for about two years in my head but actually following thru with my plan has not occurred. Now here I am with my bags packed and nothing to lose because everything is gone. When I left for Los Angeles in 2008, I had a chip on my shoulder and a disdain in my heart for the past. What the past represented to me was all of my failures instead of my successes. I took a list a weighed out my success and what I perceived to be a failures. The truth be told my successes outweighed my failure, but at this point all I can feel and see were my failures. What are all of the tears for? Shouldn't I be happy that my family wants me around and is willing to support me in my dire time of need? Is there a part of me that is sad to see my life go forward? WTF? I think I am mourning my old life because it is dying and my transition represents the rebirth of a new one. My heart is very heavy with decisions and my head is full of worry. But I know that's a part of it all.."the transition." No one said it would be easy, but I am willing to make the best out of it.
As a transition, from this point going forward my life is full of success, no matter what. I will view at everything in my life as a success. I am moving closer to my family to reconstruct my life to move close to what my career calls for. I am a freelance writer, producer, and a director. I have worked in media for the majority of my life, that's all I want. That's all I know, nothing else will suffice, no replacement. When working into production (especially live) there's a rush goes over me that thrives on the fun of it all, talking to actors/host and working with a crew, telling a story and educating the public...is what I want to be a part of. Telling stories with visual media is what I was put here to become.
My ancestors wants the stories told of them prior to them being slaves and persecuted for the color of their skin. As I always say "Crouching tiger hidden dragon" of Africa. African people have a wide range of stories to be told and I want to be initiating that part of my life right now. Life is an initiation. It's how we behave in the moment of the initiation process that makes us who we are. I have to trust that this is best decision for my child and I. Transition is about having my back against the wall and having to trust that move is what my life calls for. Today has been a tough day for me and probably many more to come. I feel powerless. I do not think that I am not powerful, but I have forgotten who I am. And I returning home to really dig in and find out who this person is. Truly this defines a midlife crisis.
This is my first step in taking my life and career focus on the same track. I'm scared, not gonna lie. There is no blueprint for someone like me. I wish there was but its up to me to create that blueprint for next woman. But I heard wonderful stories of women who are able to overcome adversity and make the change that they want to see in their lives. I question myself about my decision making. What makes me doubt myself? Hmmm. I will ponder that thought while I am living at home with parents until I force myself to get real with what I want out life.
A midlife boogie...where to go from here...only success no matter what.
I have been dealing with moving on(in my marriage) for about two years in my head but actually following thru with my plan has not occurred. Now here I am with my bags packed and nothing to lose because everything is gone. When I left for Los Angeles in 2008, I had a chip on my shoulder and a disdain in my heart for the past. What the past represented to me was all of my failures instead of my successes. I took a list a weighed out my success and what I perceived to be a failures. The truth be told my successes outweighed my failure, but at this point all I can feel and see were my failures. What are all of the tears for? Shouldn't I be happy that my family wants me around and is willing to support me in my dire time of need? Is there a part of me that is sad to see my life go forward? WTF? I think I am mourning my old life because it is dying and my transition represents the rebirth of a new one. My heart is very heavy with decisions and my head is full of worry. But I know that's a part of it all.."the transition." No one said it would be easy, but I am willing to make the best out of it.
As a transition, from this point going forward my life is full of success, no matter what. I will view at everything in my life as a success. I am moving closer to my family to reconstruct my life to move close to what my career calls for. I am a freelance writer, producer, and a director. I have worked in media for the majority of my life, that's all I want. That's all I know, nothing else will suffice, no replacement. When working into production (especially live) there's a rush goes over me that thrives on the fun of it all, talking to actors/host and working with a crew, telling a story and educating the public...is what I want to be a part of. Telling stories with visual media is what I was put here to become.
My ancestors wants the stories told of them prior to them being slaves and persecuted for the color of their skin. As I always say "Crouching tiger hidden dragon" of Africa. African people have a wide range of stories to be told and I want to be initiating that part of my life right now. Life is an initiation. It's how we behave in the moment of the initiation process that makes us who we are. I have to trust that this is best decision for my child and I. Transition is about having my back against the wall and having to trust that move is what my life calls for. Today has been a tough day for me and probably many more to come. I feel powerless. I do not think that I am not powerful, but I have forgotten who I am. And I returning home to really dig in and find out who this person is. Truly this defines a midlife crisis.
This is my first step in taking my life and career focus on the same track. I'm scared, not gonna lie. There is no blueprint for someone like me. I wish there was but its up to me to create that blueprint for next woman. But I heard wonderful stories of women who are able to overcome adversity and make the change that they want to see in their lives. I question myself about my decision making. What makes me doubt myself? Hmmm. I will ponder that thought while I am living at home with parents until I force myself to get real with what I want out life.
A midlife boogie...where to go from here...only success no matter what.
Monday, August 3, 2009
New Love
New love *sigh* is all it has been cracked up to be. I thought I was loving him to soon. But he is exactly what the Universe ordered for me. I use positive affirmations a lot, but sometimes I think I may do them unconsciously, which is good. Because the man that I have is everything I ask for on a platter. Hopefully I am the same for him. I mean down to his demeanor, his life and his attitude everything. I mean no one is perfect..but he's pretty damn close.
I remember sitting around looking at magazines of Black men and I wondered would that man want me? You know I am thick sista, with natural hair..not your typical beauty..but I am still fine though. However, I think that we attract what we need at the time. I didn't think that I was deserving of love. Because of my weight and my looks, I thought that once I lost the weight someone would love me. This lesson in life is teaching me the love of self.. that's more important. When you have love for self others will see it or at least help bring it out of you. In the past I heard that but I didn't believe that bullshit. Now on the other side of the coin...yeah you gotta love yourself. It determines how you eat, your behavior and how your raise your child..hell everything!
Recently I have joined facebook and I have run into a lot of my childhood friends. This is has been one of things that I am so happy to see. I didn't know exactly why I joined facebook until I ran into 2 people that were close while growing up and they reminded me of how happy and friendly I used to be. I really didn't remember how happy I used to be and talking to them confirmed that I needed to move forward with my love affair with myself and my new love. I believe that God speaks through others to give us encouragement and assistance.
I have had years of a dormant love life. I didn't really know cause when you are married and broke, things are put on hold. Money and love should not go hand in hand but with my ex hubby it did. If there was no money which was 90 percent of the time, then there was no expression of love. My new love gives love joyfully and happily regardless of what's in his pockets. If he is broke monetarily I wouldn't know, he's not emotionally broke.
In my 17 years of dating, I have NOT had love like this. It is not about sex. Sex is the expression of love but not the determining factor. In the past, I have had great sexual partners but there was no love involved. At 30, I knew that but I was unable to express how I felt. Love is something that is present. Its about the connection that you have for one another. But it is up to you what defines love.
When I first met him, he would give me a lot of hugs and squeezes and I was very stand offish about it. I was like why does he keep doing that? It was my auto pilot of denying myself of what was offered to me like affection and love. I had to check myself and say, why am I denying myself everything that I have asked for. I have someone in my corner that encourages my career and rooting for me. What's wrong with that? Hey ladies...take love and give love joyfully as long as it is not hurting you emotionally or physically.
I didn't think in starting this blog that I would write about love. A female mid life crisis is what I really want to convey to the people. Women have this ability to create life and be a wife, mother and everything in between but there is no outlet for us to explain what we go through while being a mother, a pissed off wife and unappreciated woman. Its time for us let go and know who we are and that we deserve love, success and happiness. No matter what.
I remember sitting around looking at magazines of Black men and I wondered would that man want me? You know I am thick sista, with natural hair..not your typical beauty..but I am still fine though. However, I think that we attract what we need at the time. I didn't think that I was deserving of love. Because of my weight and my looks, I thought that once I lost the weight someone would love me. This lesson in life is teaching me the love of self.. that's more important. When you have love for self others will see it or at least help bring it out of you. In the past I heard that but I didn't believe that bullshit. Now on the other side of the coin...yeah you gotta love yourself. It determines how you eat, your behavior and how your raise your child..hell everything!
Recently I have joined facebook and I have run into a lot of my childhood friends. This is has been one of things that I am so happy to see. I didn't know exactly why I joined facebook until I ran into 2 people that were close while growing up and they reminded me of how happy and friendly I used to be. I really didn't remember how happy I used to be and talking to them confirmed that I needed to move forward with my love affair with myself and my new love. I believe that God speaks through others to give us encouragement and assistance.
I have had years of a dormant love life. I didn't really know cause when you are married and broke, things are put on hold. Money and love should not go hand in hand but with my ex hubby it did. If there was no money which was 90 percent of the time, then there was no expression of love. My new love gives love joyfully and happily regardless of what's in his pockets. If he is broke monetarily I wouldn't know, he's not emotionally broke.
In my 17 years of dating, I have NOT had love like this. It is not about sex. Sex is the expression of love but not the determining factor. In the past, I have had great sexual partners but there was no love involved. At 30, I knew that but I was unable to express how I felt. Love is something that is present. Its about the connection that you have for one another. But it is up to you what defines love.
When I first met him, he would give me a lot of hugs and squeezes and I was very stand offish about it. I was like why does he keep doing that? It was my auto pilot of denying myself of what was offered to me like affection and love. I had to check myself and say, why am I denying myself everything that I have asked for. I have someone in my corner that encourages my career and rooting for me. What's wrong with that? Hey ladies...take love and give love joyfully as long as it is not hurting you emotionally or physically.
I didn't think in starting this blog that I would write about love. A female mid life crisis is what I really want to convey to the people. Women have this ability to create life and be a wife, mother and everything in between but there is no outlet for us to explain what we go through while being a mother, a pissed off wife and unappreciated woman. Its time for us let go and know who we are and that we deserve love, success and happiness. No matter what.
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