New Love

New love *sigh* is all it has been cracked up to be. I thought I was loving him to soon. But he is exactly what the Universe ordered for me. I use positive affirmations a lot, but sometimes I think I may do them unconsciously, which is good. Because the man that I have is everything I ask for on a platter. Hopefully I am the same for him. I mean down to his demeanor, his life and his attitude everything. I mean no one is perfect..but he's pretty damn close.

I remember sitting around looking at magazines of Black men and I wondered would that man want me? You know I am thick sista, with natural hair..not your typical beauty..but I am still fine though. However, I think that we attract what we need at the time. I didn't think that I was deserving of love. Because of my weight and my looks, I thought that once I lost the weight someone would love me. This lesson in life is teaching me the love of self.. that's more important. When you have love for self others will see it or at least help bring it out of you. In the past I heard that but I didn't believe that bullshit. Now on the other side of the coin...yeah you gotta love yourself. It determines how you eat, your behavior and how your raise your child..hell everything!

Recently I have joined facebook and I have run into a lot of my childhood friends. This is has been one of things that I am so happy to see. I didn't know exactly why I joined facebook until I ran into 2 people that were close while growing up and they reminded me of how happy and friendly I used to be. I really didn't remember how happy I used to be and talking to them confirmed that I needed to move forward with my love affair with myself and my new love. I believe that God speaks through others to give us encouragement and assistance.

I have had years of a dormant love life. I didn't really know cause when you are married and broke, things are put on hold. Money and love should not go hand in hand but with my ex hubby it did. If there was no money which was 90 percent of the time, then there was no expression of love. My new love gives love joyfully and happily regardless of what's in his pockets. If he is broke monetarily I wouldn't know, he's not emotionally broke.

In my 17 years of dating, I have NOT had love like this. It is not about sex. Sex is the expression of love but not the determining factor. In the past, I have had great sexual partners but there was no love involved. At 30, I knew that but I was unable to express how I felt. Love is something that is present. Its about the connection that you have for one another. But it is up to you what defines love.

When I first met him, he would give me a lot of hugs and squeezes and I was very stand offish about it. I was like why does he keep doing that? It was my auto pilot of denying myself of what was offered to me like affection and love. I had to check myself and say, why am I denying myself everything that I have asked for. I have someone in my corner that encourages my career and rooting for me. What's wrong with that? Hey ladies...take love and give love joyfully as long as it is not hurting you emotionally or physically.

I didn't think in starting this blog that I would write about love. A female mid life crisis is what I really want to convey to the people. Women have this ability to create life and be a wife, mother and everything in between but there is no outlet for us to explain what we go through while being a mother, a pissed off wife and unappreciated woman. Its time for us let go and know who we are and that we deserve love, success and happiness. No matter what.