Happiness

Happiness comes to us in small bites. It may be a new job, new love, or new child in your life. Life can be what you make of it. I always thought that you have happy spurts throughout the day and your life, but what I am learning to commit to happiness constantly. My mid-life crisis is still effective but I have found that I can make myself happy without money, shelter and a job. Those are things I thought I needed to have in order to create my own happiness. Don't get me wrong, you may need to those things to survive and exist here in the US, but can material things really equate to some form of happiness.

Recently, I took a hiatus from my relationship. I needed time to think, reflect and get some shit of my chest. During my reflection time, I moved, got my life back on track, started my Masters program and my child off to school. I looked back at all of my relationships and took notes on how each relationship affected my current love life. I looked back and it was ugly. I got real with myself about was I ready for another relationship with another man. My answer kept coming up in my mind yes yes yes!! But again listening to others for advice, they don't know what I am feeling. Was I ready to move forward into a great and beautiful relationship with a man that adored me? I thought I was undeserving of the relationship, believe it or not.

In 2006, I was feeling away about my marriage and I would cry almost everyday about it. I was questioning did I marry the right person? Why did I have this feeling of resentment and anger? I smoked plenty of the Dubbya to get thru the rough days and to cope with a job that was very stressful, a child that was super demanding and husband who was not living in the now. In my reflection time, I realized that I was mourning the loss of the relationship while I still in it. Everyone is like "don't you need time to heal?" The answer is nope, I have already moved forward in my mind and in my heart.

I hate to sound so cold but I ready to move forward with someone that can be a asset to me and my child not a liability.

For once in my life, I am happy. I am happy in my own body, mind and my spirit is starting to soar. But I started within and worked my way out. Since I have been restructuring my life, there has been positive people that I have met along the way and they have re-introduced themselves back into my life. It's amazing, I always had love for these women but because how negative I felt, I couldn't reach out. To those ladies I thank you for still being there for me and still being my friend. My new love I attracted because I ordered him through the universe and Ra said "here ya go." Right now my life is surreal, with a wonderful supportive family and wonderful man to share it with. I don't know if there will be other posting because I am choosing to change what I talk about now. I will update. I love you all and I will walk into a happiness abyss until I leave this planet...

What you think today is what you live tomorrow.

Living for the day is what most of us do to get by. I am no longer living in that state. My vision for my future is clear and focused and cannot be stopped. There maybe some obstacles but that's just Ra's way to create another learning opportunity. I realized how much I lived for the day until I moved.

The breaking point for me was I listening to Michael Baisden show and there was a man on there giving his philosophy on "The Secret". (I was driving down Mockingbird Lane in Highland Park. I was admiring all of the homes and I thought Bush lives here...hell to the no) I digress... I am always open to listen to how people incorporate their secret into their lives. He made a great point that forever changed how I think about everyone and everything. He said "If you have 9 broke friends, you will be the 10th". I laughed for about five minutes, but I stopped and said "you know he's right".

This began a 6 month checking in with my self, my spirit. I believe in ancestral power and I know they send me signs all the time BUT if I am not open to listen I won't get the message. I know now that my ancestors work in my favor at all times. Why wouldn't your grandma want what is best you..she did when she was alive. The feeling that is connected to my ancestors is how you should feel about your power. Protection, warmth, love is what I am working with.

My ancestors sent me my new love, my child, everyone that loves me and is there to empower me. Recently I reconnected with an old friend with new aspect on her life. My ancestors sent me her because I didn't need any more emotionally, financially, spiritually broke people. She made me realize what kind of person I used to be. Everything I was in past was great but there is a reason I abandoned it. I was mean and negative. Now there I said it, I am not happy when others say it to me, but I can deal with what I put out. At this point I must learn to balance my aggressiveness with a sweet disposition. I have always been an Alpha female as long as I can remember existing. I take the world by the horns and I used to have no regrets. During this reinvention of myself, I must remember my focus and attack my destiny with the fervor of a 25 year old Zenobia with NO regrets. Redirect that energy into my career, my love, my destiny, no matter what.

I am glad to be blog about this part of my life because I hope that someone can benefit from my life experience. This is also keeping record of my transition and 1 year later I want to look back at this and say "damn you did good woman". Most of the blog is for you the reader but this also for myself to explain what I am feeling and how I worked thru my own personal shit.

I am taking a hiatus from people right now. I know that I need this time to heal and lick my wounds of this bird. As I make my grand entrance to the front of line of life...I only want applause no pity, only well wishers, no haters. What I think about my life today is what I will live tomorrow.

Transition

Well you know life is all about moving and transitioning. You know we speak about change but when, where, how do we implement it? The truth is I don't have that answer, however I will try to explain how a transition feels to me.

I have been dealing with moving on(in my marriage) for about two years in my head but actually following thru with my plan has not occurred. Now here I am with my bags packed and nothing to lose because everything is gone. When I left for Los Angeles in 2008, I had a chip on my shoulder and a disdain in my heart for the past. What the past represented to me was all of my failures instead of my successes. I took a list a weighed out my success and what I perceived to be a failures. The truth be told my successes outweighed my failure, but at this point all I can feel and see were my failures. What are all of the tears for? Shouldn't I be happy that my family wants me around and is willing to support me in my dire time of need? Is there a part of me that is sad to see my life go forward? WTF? I think I am mourning my old life because it is dying and my transition represents the rebirth of a new one. My heart is very heavy with decisions and my head is full of worry. But I know that's a part of it all.."the transition." No one said it would be easy, but I am willing to make the best out of it.

As a transition, from this point going forward my life is full of success, no matter what. I will view at everything in my life as a success. I am moving closer to my family to reconstruct my life to move close to what my career calls for. I am a freelance writer, producer, and a director. I have worked in media for the majority of my life, that's all I want. That's all I know, nothing else will suffice, no replacement. When working into production (especially live) there's a rush goes over me that thrives on the fun of it all, talking to actors/host and working with a crew, telling a story and educating the public...is what I want to be a part of. Telling stories with visual media is what I was put here to become.

My ancestors wants the stories told of them prior to them being slaves and persecuted for the color of their skin. As I always say "Crouching tiger hidden dragon" of Africa. African people have a wide range of stories to be told and I want to be initiating that part of my life right now. Life is an initiation. It's how we behave in the moment of the initiation process that makes us who we are. I have to trust that this is best decision for my child and I. Transition is about having my back against the wall and having to trust that move is what my life calls for. Today has been a tough day for me and probably many more to come. I feel powerless. I do not think that I am not powerful, but I have forgotten who I am. And I returning home to really dig in and find out who this person is. Truly this defines a midlife crisis.

This is my first step in taking my life and career focus on the same track. I'm scared, not gonna lie. There is no blueprint for someone like me. I wish there was but its up to me to create that blueprint for next woman. But I heard wonderful stories of women who are able to overcome adversity and make the change that they want to see in their lives. I question myself about my decision making. What makes me doubt myself? Hmmm. I will ponder that thought while I am living at home with parents until I force myself to get real with what I want out life.

A midlife boogie...where to go from here...only success no matter what.

New Love

New love *sigh* is all it has been cracked up to be. I thought I was loving him to soon. But he is exactly what the Universe ordered for me. I use positive affirmations a lot, but sometimes I think I may do them unconsciously, which is good. Because the man that I have is everything I ask for on a platter. Hopefully I am the same for him. I mean down to his demeanor, his life and his attitude everything. I mean no one is perfect..but he's pretty damn close.

I remember sitting around looking at magazines of Black men and I wondered would that man want me? You know I am thick sista, with natural hair..not your typical beauty..but I am still fine though. However, I think that we attract what we need at the time. I didn't think that I was deserving of love. Because of my weight and my looks, I thought that once I lost the weight someone would love me. This lesson in life is teaching me the love of self.. that's more important. When you have love for self others will see it or at least help bring it out of you. In the past I heard that but I didn't believe that bullshit. Now on the other side of the coin...yeah you gotta love yourself. It determines how you eat, your behavior and how your raise your child..hell everything!

Recently I have joined facebook and I have run into a lot of my childhood friends. This is has been one of things that I am so happy to see. I didn't know exactly why I joined facebook until I ran into 2 people that were close while growing up and they reminded me of how happy and friendly I used to be. I really didn't remember how happy I used to be and talking to them confirmed that I needed to move forward with my love affair with myself and my new love. I believe that God speaks through others to give us encouragement and assistance.

I have had years of a dormant love life. I didn't really know cause when you are married and broke, things are put on hold. Money and love should not go hand in hand but with my ex hubby it did. If there was no money which was 90 percent of the time, then there was no expression of love. My new love gives love joyfully and happily regardless of what's in his pockets. If he is broke monetarily I wouldn't know, he's not emotionally broke.

In my 17 years of dating, I have NOT had love like this. It is not about sex. Sex is the expression of love but not the determining factor. In the past, I have had great sexual partners but there was no love involved. At 30, I knew that but I was unable to express how I felt. Love is something that is present. Its about the connection that you have for one another. But it is up to you what defines love.

When I first met him, he would give me a lot of hugs and squeezes and I was very stand offish about it. I was like why does he keep doing that? It was my auto pilot of denying myself of what was offered to me like affection and love. I had to check myself and say, why am I denying myself everything that I have asked for. I have someone in my corner that encourages my career and rooting for me. What's wrong with that? Hey ladies...take love and give love joyfully as long as it is not hurting you emotionally or physically.

I didn't think in starting this blog that I would write about love. A female mid life crisis is what I really want to convey to the people. Women have this ability to create life and be a wife, mother and everything in between but there is no outlet for us to explain what we go through while being a mother, a pissed off wife and unappreciated woman. Its time for us let go and know who we are and that we deserve love, success and happiness. No matter what.

Taking out the old...bringing in the new

At the beginning of my relationship, you would have never told me in a million years that i would be starting over. However at 35 I'm up for the challenge. Getting rid of old habits and things is a way of starting over on a life that is halfway done. Forgiving yourself is a way of starting a new attitude.

The other day I was talking to one of my old dear friends that has known me since my single days. She asked me what happened to my swagger? I was like I guess I lost it in the couch cushions between 25 and 35. So, this article about how to get your shit back in order. There's no formula but as I do this, I will give you what I plan on doing.

Dating

Going out with different men could be life changing, you can see what's on the market. Right now, I have a man (i think..he's mad at me). And he's truly this wonderful dream guy. He got the intelligence, humor, gorgeous and very motivated. At this point in my life I need a man that is motivated by his dreams and goals. That's something that is bringing in the new..the old is not motivated at all. I see why women ended dating assholes because they are the ones that tend to be goal oriented. Also with my present relationship, I was afraid to be vulnerable but I may have hurt myself more by not being that way. That's my old behavior rearing its a ugly horns. Allowing yourself to loved is wonderful thing..that is bringing in the new. I wish my man knew how wounded I was, but I don't want to dwell on the past and nor does he.

Exercise

This should be a focal point of your everyday or every other day activity. I find that working out give the body a sense of purpose and release the stress during a most stressful time. And you proving to yourself that you can look good those pre preggo jeans. Since I have started gaining my life back, I have lost 15 lbs. I work out like a mad man. Right now, I don't have a car or a job but I works out everyday, I take 3 buses just to get the gym! I am determined to lose 50 lbs no matter what!

Spirituality

This has always been a part of my life and I have always been connected to the most high in one way or another. I believe that your worship to the most high is an individual choice. I believe that prayer does change things and if you don't want to do that meditate. Meditation is a way to connected with your inner spirit. You find your highest destiny when you do.

Love

Yes I said it..love. Love yourself, love your children, love your ex husbands and boyfriend and you will find that love will return to you. I am finding this out so late in the game, but it is true. I don't have a lot of experience in love but I want to experience it first hand with a real man. I don't know how to love and apparently if I did know love I messed it up. My man (hopefully still) is completely in love with me but I steady push him away. Why? I did a checklist about why I push away from love. I am able to reject love quicker than I can accept it. Here I have my dream guy and I run away. WTF? Well I realized that I didn't love myself. How deep is that realization? But going forth is that I deserve to be love and someone to experience the love I have to give as well. When I love, I love hard though. But when its gone..its fuckin gone. My advice if a man says he loves you..love him back.

Chapter 1-The Infamous 20's year olds

Well first of all, let's put age to the side because age has really nothing to do with this.
The title brings attention. Anyways, if you had told me a year ago that I would meet someone 11 years younger than me, I would have told you to shut the hell up and keep it moving. But this is beginning of new version of zenobia and I am exploring different avenues of men that I would have not considered before.

Remember how we were in our 20's? Confused, stupid and sensitive and then some, but the new 20's year old are different. They are confident, egotistical and have a plan. I didn't think I would have one of these fine men, but I do. I think what scares me the most about him, he's what I asked for in a man. He's kind, generous, supportive, encouraging, intelligent and absolutely gorgeous to me. What's my hangup? To be honest I don't know. I have to know people for a certain amount of time to see they are really gonna be who they say there are. The thing about being 30's you are stuck in this slower mentality to not trust most people until they prove themselves.

This may sound like I am a crazy woman, but I got love for my 20 something but he doesn't seem to feel it from me. Why can't I drop the facade and let someone else love me? I have been hurt, upset and completely drained from my last relationship. Am I delusional in thinking someone else could love me? Yes these are all questions that perplex me on a day to day basis.

Ladies, I do not encourage that you date men in their 20's unless they seem to be driven and motivated by life's plan. I recommend to date any man who has the qualities that your are looking for regardless of age. In the past, I would not date a man unless he was older than me, but now in my 30's, men in their 30's are freeking boring and trying to play games. Who the hell wants that?

In my circle of friends, I have a few of them that date younger men and currently do. They want meaningful relationships with someone who loves and cherishes them.

I will say this ladies, love who you loves you. We have spent way too much time wondering what everyone "thinks" you should date. Fuck it. If he's 20 or 50 if he treats you right I say go for it.

Next article, I wanted to talk about divorce. This is something that we never want to discuss or that we even plan to do when we got married. But what are the alternatives? What type of relationship can we have after a marriage? I know I personally, marriage for me is one the most life changing events and I am not sure if that was the best move for me. As women we can decide whether to be or not be..Is that really the frickin question? This is destiny question for most women, hell there is an industry built upon women and gay men getting hitched. If the divorce rate is 50%, then we are doing something wrong. The choices that we make are going to directly affect family and children. If you have any questions or comments please hit me up at theomilab@gmail.com.

The beginning

Welcome to my first blog about women going thru a mid life crisis. Currently I am in the middle of one.

First of all, I have been married almost seven years and during this time, I have given birth to a wonderful child and a husband who forgot what a sexy bitch he has for a wife. I never thought I would ever look at another man other than my hubby. We discussed having a open relationship in the past, but now in its present state, I would rather take a hiatus from the marriage.

When I was in my 20's, I told myself that I would not get married because I get bored with people very easily if they do not keep my attention. With pressure from family and how they viewed my life (instead of me viewing it) I got married and then right after that, I was preggo. I thought "Am I supposed to be happy about this?" But I knew I wanted a child because that's what real women do, we conquer, we nurture and we give birth right? Now I know I may offend some people in saying that women are "supposed" to procreate. Get over it. My point is if you don't use it you lose it. I digress.

I wanted write about my midlife boogie because a lot of my friends are going through this realization of their own wonderful bodies and the younger men that want them. Now I understand why older men date younger women. The sex is awesome and the body is unmentionable. Now my current hubby, is hot and I am sure some ho will want his body..I don't do ugly men with little penises, so I already know what's up.

During my dating process in my early 20's, I loved dating. I didn't enjoy it until I relocated to Tennessee because the men there love women with a little meat on the bone. So I will start at the beginning:

Dating in Oklahoma
This article should be just abandoned. No really. My dating/loving life did not exist. The men only dated fair skinned and long haired women. Period. So that left a short chocolate woman with shoulder length hair dating bustas or choosing not to date at all. I dated a few bustas but my sex life did not occur until I was in my 20's. Later down the road, I will explain what a busta really is to me.

A lot of women that I know, living in my hometown have a difficult time dating to due to what's left and the type of women are considered attractive. All of my friends are beautiful women in their own right, but most of the decent men leave or date white women exclusively. I don't have a problem with that. I know where they stand and we can move on.

What is amazing to me, most of my ex's that I interact with at this point in my life, they are nice and sweet and shit. It's really strange, but I just go with the flow. In my mid 30's, I realize that I left pretty good track record with the men I dated.

So do I have this ability to be ignored within the relationship and once I am gone I'm missed? Most men that I dated got married right after being with me for any amount of time. Interesting huh? I realize that my father had two marraiges, my uncle had two as well, the second one sticks better I think because you know what you really need from a partner and that person is a better fit emotionally for the rest of your life. Next article, we will speak about 30 year women dating men in their 20's. If you would like to throw your comments about your mid life boogie please email me at theomilab@gmail.com.

This article is the beginning to figure out is their a mid life boogie for women? If so, let's break that sh** down and let it be known...we like fresh meat too. Let's take a journey or open this can of whup ass of life. Enjoy!